25.10.03
yo yash, think we need a switch in the career choices. haha! ironic reversal?
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something has cropped up again. see how problems just love to pile on top of one another? yupx. and i nearly cried because i was pretty scared. my personal problems seem so insignificant now. shall pray for her.
nj was impressive alright. it beat rj and hc hands down. everything abt it was so comfortable and it felt so homely. i just love that place. and it wasnt as sweltering as the other schs i guess, haha. oh boy oh boy, aniwae, my dream cca of OAC is officially unacceptable and hence, i shall have to switch my focus onto other sports. wonder why the emphasis but there doesnt seem to be much of choice. yupx, and dad says that tennis players play dangerous squash. haha. okay, cos of the swing and all that, pretty dangerous in the sense that your partner has to risk getting hit by your racquet. oh yes, and the guys at nj are not that freaky as compared to the other schools. yays. im looking forward to my first three months. for the first time. :D
this is the new comp im using, and i nearly forgot. nearly went to open up winamp and msn messenger when they are not installed in the first place. dad doesnt allow all these crap in this new comp so i'll have to depend on the old one then. it's sitting nicely in my room now! heh.
sis's at this friend's bbq party...and my goodness, the place was swarming with guys. freakx! sis was so scared to get down the car and i think if i were the one, i'd jolly well have asked dad to drive me back home, haha. and those guys are the sort that smoke and are basically classified under my 'freakiest' category of my phobia. hope sis survived. and dad had to say this, "whoa, if they're going to play games later, isnt that going to be worse?" -_- i dare not even imagine how it'll be like. haha.
was so sleepy this afternoon but dared not take a nap, simply becos i was afraid i wouldnt be able to fall asleep at night. i now realise how fearful i am of not being able to sleep.
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24.10.03
it doesnt take much to send me into a panic attack, i realise.
insomnia has struck. well done. perhaps if it had taken place just the night before some science practical exam, the effect would have been even more fabulous. have got only myself to blame anyway.
isnt it tiring to shoulder all the blame all the time?
i wish i could throw it all onto someone else but such a behaviour is just not acceptable. but seriously, im so sick and tired.
the knocking nx door is grating on my nerves, simply because it serves as an extremely undesirable wake-up call. now i prefer my alarm clock, despite the repulsive noise it makes, [thanks to the dying battery which i am reluctant to replace]. i can virtually feel the wall vibrating and the sound waves travelling through. it's utterly annoying. it is said to last for another few months. bravo.
off to nj. hope it impresses me.
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[dear] thanks so much. i guess after finally opening myself up by talking ive gotten myself over the hurdle. i suppose the suffocation was a result of being close and refusing to speak. it was the result of the lack of human connection. didnt realise we talked for so long...yea, it's been a while right? hopefully you didnt get into trouble. oh wells, perhaps ive got to thank her for the shock therapy as well...if she hadnt done what she did, my senses wouldnt have been triggered off and i wouldnt have called you. thanks again. luv ya!
i dont know what the invitation was meant for but there's only one word to describe what i felt: apprehensive. it's been so long and certain things can just never be brought back together again...perhaps ive only got myself to blame for making the wrong moves since the beginning. like how i put it to dear, it's like crawling out of the quicksand, struggling so hard and someone just happily drags you back in and the cycle just starts all over again. i thought it was all done and over with. i shall tell myself that there isnt any hidden agenda and that everything was meant to be for our own good. but whether i can help you or help myself, i really dont know and for some reason, i dont exactly care. now i wonder whether i did the right thing again...
when one complicated situation is done with, another is sure to come along...are these obstacles to achieving my desired grades for the Os or what? -sighs-
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now, upon reflecting on the past two days of my behaviour, it seems far-fetched. but yet, it was entirely possible that i allowed myself to sink further into that mess at that time. the recovery isnt complete. just in the process of removing the hallucination and absurd thoughts. cant help but feel apologetic. although you never knew what happened, the guilt that comes after my mere thoughts is seriously piercing. im glad i decided to keep it to myself.
slept in the afternoon today. finally getting some rest. havent been sleeping in peace.
i am still so drained.
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22.10.03
difficulty in getting to sleep. on the verge of insomnia. slowly it'll be. waking up in the middle of the night. i can feel the same whole vicious cycle repeating. again. when fear snatches your sanity away...it's just so screwed. just a passing phase? there's still this estrangement that's btwn...us. what i fear is that im the one wrecking myself with my own hands, it's this psychological thing that's being tossed around in my mind. part imagination, part over-sensitivity. i know it's not for real and im merely sketching my own picture with my imagination. i cant help but do so. it's not for real. so why? help.
whilst my thoughts are still alive, it is best i jot all these down. lest one day, i wont even know what im doing.
somehow it is always [she] that can provide that glimmer of hope and comfort in times of distress. but how much does she matter now? i dont know. i just want to wish her all the best. i am so dead confused.
facades are definitely useful things, to conceal what's beneath.
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life's taught me not to be reckless and impulsive. the price to pay is usually higher than expected. but keeping it within is going to cause an implosion. i am haplessly victimised by my own moods.
back tears...back to your native spring.
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ever since we moved in, it appears that the place has become supposedly so huge that i never know who's home and who's not. some remote sense of alienation and loneliness.
i need school to fill that gap in. wonder why im feeling emotional again...to the extent of having tears welled up in my eyes...im just suffocated. there's this estrangement between us, (not my family), that i cant seem to figure out. everyone needs time away, why on earth should i care so much?? because there's an underlying reason which i refuse to admit to myself. self-denial and escapism - the best remedies during panic attacks and confusion. i refuse to admit it, to face the truth. day by day, i become more fearful that one day, i'll eventually have to.
in case i forget tmr, happy birthday jiayi.
temp'ring extremeties with extreme sweet.
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21.10.03
i dont know how i can possibly make you understand. in fact, i find it inexplicable myself, not to mention trying to explain to others. there's so much internal conflict going on and i hate it when it happens. i cant tell anybody how it feels and i feel uncomfortable doing so. perhaps i should just stop acting so stupid and rid myself of all these frustrating emotions. damnit. im sorry.
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im still biased towards her. cant deny it. after so long it's become something like a habit. contented with everything now though.
fish didnt return it. guess i'll haf to ask personally. i suppose she didnt want to leave it there, seems rather impersonal. but oh man, that means i have to go through the same thing all over again. nx week when i go to sch then i'll ask, yes, one whole week of waiting...wonder if i can wait. yash, want to help me when u go back to sch? you know how impatient i am when it comes to such things.
lost quite a few marks in the bio prac already. reason? didnt read the qn properly. well, nothing new again. it's always either a misinterpretation or just carelessness on my part. somehow im not exactly affected. gone are the marks, so what? so what. dont know why i can be so nonchalent abt it. this concerns the Os! guess im burnt out.
still feeling sleepy. i still want to go to school...
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20.10.03
juz realised it's the chair that's screwed and lopsided. not me, and not the floor.
to those who have Os practical tmr, especially to yash, remmber to bring ur entry proof! :D
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19.10.03
my maid is shouting her lungs out downstairs...wonder why the hell she has to raise her voice...she's merely having a telephone conversation right...not like she's trying to get some msg across the other lane.
hmmz, either there's sth wrong with my chair or the floor's just not level. i feel lopsided. and that makes me feel dizzy.
-_-
what is a youth seriously rocks. the piano version is just so gorgeous. can the score just drop down from the sky without having to pay a single cent for it?? wonder why eveything in this world has a pricetag. music's not meant to be bought but shared. sigh, the mercenary nature of the real world. shall go search for more free duet scores...haha. my sis and i make good partners. :) maybe it's a better idea to play the piano than to be a background singer...more high-class...haha! sis and i performed for dad when he came home ystday, and he didnt even give a single comment! think he didnt even pay attention...urgh....and to think we did such a perfect one...hmmpf. insensitive men. -_-
dying of boredom again...sucha huge slacker.
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